


Absolute Akashi

by NO_RAGRETS (Stupendous_Hippo)



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Aliens, Aliens coming to Earth, Aphrodisiacs, Bananas, Chocolate, Comedy, Crack, Idols, M/M, Mpreg, Non-Explicit, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, oneshots, salarymen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-14 16:31:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9193445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stupendous_Hippo/pseuds/NO_RAGRETS
Summary: A series of oneshots centred around the absolute(ly) ridiculous Akashi, who would like nothing more than to get into Furihata’s pants.More chapters will be added as they come.1) Banana Addicts - Feeling neglected in the love department, Akashi decides to make a special batch of bananas for his boyfriend.2) Alien Nation - Aliens (and a little bit of idols) AU. When Furihata was 15, he was in an idol unit, and a video of their final performance was somehow leaked into outer space. Fast-forward to ten years later, that same Furihata is just your average salaryman, except, a guy claiming to be an alien has started wooing him?





	1. Banana Addicts

**Author's Note:**

> Feeling neglected in the love department, Akashi decides to make a special batch of bananas for his boyfriend.
> 
> Other pairings in this story: KagaKuro; AoKise

  1. **Banana Addicts**



 

“Fufufufu.” A sinister smile slowly took over Akashi’s face. His masterpiece was finally complete.

Wanting to improve his game, Akashi’s boyfriend had recently upped his basketball training regiment. Furihata now spent more time training and exercising than hanging out with Akashi. Of course Akashi was happy that his boyfriend was working so hard on his basketball passions, but that meant less alone-time for Akashi and Furihata, which also translated to less love for Akashi’s little son.

Furihata’s new training also consisted of eating loads of bananas to keep his electrolyte levels up, and with Akashi’s sexual frustration building up, the gears in his brain were starting to churn hard. With the glass-like fragility of his sanity close to breaking point, Akashi was not beyond taking advantage of everything he could in order to get what he wanted.

Akashi let out another smirk as he finished injecting the last of his pink concoction into a banana, placing it on the top of his pile.

Hearing the front door unlock, Akashi knew his boyfriend was finally home from practice. Everything was going according to plan.

“Kouki, I’m in the kitchen!” Akashi called from the kitchen, ready with his plate full of drugged bananas.

“What is it Sei?” Akashi’s eyes widened in surprise when Furihata entered the kitchen with Kuroko and Kise in tow.

Now, Furihata bringing his friends home had not been in his calculations. However, Akashi’s brain quickly accommodated his plan to account for this scenario. After all, he was willing to do almost anything to make sure his plans for tonight would be perfect.

“Bananas?” Akashi kindly offered his plate to the trio, before turning around to prep some hot chocolate for the three tired sportsmen, two laced with a small dose of sleeping pill powder.

“That’s awesome Akashicchi! We sure worked up a sweat! I think we all could use some bananas right now.” Kise piped up, grabbing the plate, tossing a banana to each of his friends before digging in himself.

“Yes, thank you Akashi-kun. It was very thoughtful of you to prepare this for us.” Kuroko began peeling open his banana as well.

“Thanks Sei!” Furihata grinned happily, mouth full of the potassium-rich treat. “Ah! You’re making hot cocoa as well? Let me help you!”

“There’s no need to Kouki.” Akashi smiled calmly in return. “Why don’t the three of you rest in the lounge first? You guys must be tired from practice. I’ll bring out the hot chocolate when it’s ready.”

“You’re the best Sei!” Furihata quickly gave his boyfriend a peck on the cheek, before dashing out of the kitchen with his friends.

After Akashi brought out the hot chocolate, the four men decided to watch a little bit of television. Not long after downing their drinks, Kuroko and Kise were fast asleep on the couch.

“Training must have been tiring.” Akashi gestured over to their sleeping friends.

“Wow. I guess. Or maybe my stamina has really improved!” Furihata said, laughing.

Akashi smiled, enjoying his boyfriend’s cute expressions.

“Kouki. How about you go get yourself bathed, and change out of those sweaty clothes. I’ll call up Kagami and Aomine to come pick up these two sleepy heads.”

“Oh! Great idea!” With that, Kouki headed upstairs to draw himself a bath.

\---

Twenty minutes later, the doorbell finally rang. Akashi opened the door impatiently, before dropping the unconscious Kuroko and Kise into Kagami’s and Aomine’s arms respectively.

“That sure took you two long enough.” Akashi folded his arms, finally relieved of the weight of his two ex-teammates.

“Take them home immediately, they’ll be waking up in a few minutes.” Akashi began shutting the door, but not before leaving a few last words.

“By the way guys, you owe me.”

Kagami and Aomine stood on the porch blinking, completely dumbfounded.

\---

As Akashi made his way upstairs, he heard a soft sound come from their bedroom, which made him grin from ear to ear. He opened the door quietly, senses reveling in delight as he drank in the sight of a freshly-bathed Furihata writhing sensually on their King-sized bed.

“S-sei.” Furihata called out weakly. “I feel weird.”

“The banana-” Furihata started again, before Akashi promptly cut him off with a finger to the lips.

“Shh, Kouki. It’s okay. You don’t have to think. I’ll help you. I’ll save you. With my banana.”

\---

Word quickly spread around that the Akashi household was haunted. Everyone who walked by feared hearing the ghostly calls of a man desperate for a banana.


	2. Alien Nation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aliens (and a little bit of idols) AU. When Furihata was 15, he was in an idol unit, and a video of their final performance was somehow leaked into outer space. Fast-forward to ten years later, that same Furihata is just your average salaryman, except, a guy claiming to be an alien has started wooing him?
> 
> Other pairings in this story: KagaKuro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It turned out a fair bit longer than the previous one. Enjoy~

**10 Years Ago:**

In Space:

“We’re scanning all signals, Sir!” A redhead with bushy eyebrows was studying the signals flashing across his computer screen with a ferocious intensity.

“Good, Kagami. You’ve been working hard.” The crimson-haired man standing behind him came forth to study the screen as well. “We have to be vigilant. We can’t afford to miss a single enemy signal. Our people are counting on us.”

“Yes, my Lord!” Kagami continued to type away furiously at his seat. He was one of the last officers still working on the deck of the spaceship.

Looking around at the mountain of empty mugs and plates strewn across Kagami’s table, the man behind him sighed. “Kagami, when was the last time you took a break?”

The bushy-browed man shrugged, too caught up in his work to turn around. He knew just how important his job was, and he didn’t feel like he could afford to stop for even a minute. Just one blink, and he could miss an enemy signal, which might spell the end of their whole civilization.

“Kagami.” Kagami felt a warm hand on his shoulder. “Go take a break. You need a shower and a nap at the very least.”

“But Sir, how could I possibly let the Prince do my…” Kagami’s voice trailed off as he felt the grip on him tighten in a warning.

“Kagami, just do as I say.” Kagami instantaneously got up and vacated his seat for his Prince. He quickly thanked the regal redhead, and retreated to his quarters.

By the time Kagami had left the room, the other man already had all of his attention on the screen, looking out for any suspicious signals to intercept.

 

On Earth:

“Furihata-kun, did you receive the video I emailed over to you yet?”

“Nope, not yet Kuroko.” Furihata replied on the phone, sprawled out on his bed.

“Ah~. I can’t believe that was our last performance though. I know that we have to concentrate on our studies and won’t have time to perform together anymore, but it’s really such a pity.” Furihata continued, flopping onto his belly, legs idly kicking around off the edge of the bed.

“I know Furihata-kun. I’ll miss our days as a duo.” Kuroko answered. Furihata could almost swear he heard a twinge of sadness in his friend’s normally monotonous talking voice.

“Yeah. I don’t regret a thing. Being part of ‘The S Boys’ has really helped me overcome so many things, including stage fright and public speaking. Of course I’m still not completely smooth, and do still stumble on my words a lot, but I’m glad I met you at Seirin, Kuroko. I had fun.” Furihata rubbed on the back of his neck, trying to push down his emotions that were welling up inside.

“I’m glad to have met you too, Furihata-kun, and I had a lot of fun as a school idol duo as well. However, you don’t need to make it seem as if we’re never going to see each other again. We’re still friends who go to school together, Furihata-kun.”

Furihata laughed at his friend’s response. “Hahaha. I guess you’re right, Kuroko.”

Yes, he and Kuroko may have split up as a school idol duo, but they were still best friends, and that wasn’t going to change any time soon.

“By the way, Kuroko, could you send me the video again? I still haven’t received your email, and I really want to save a copy of our last performance.”

 

 

**Present Day Earth:**

Ten years after disbanding the Seirin school idol group, ‘The S Boys’, Furihata had grown into your average 25-year-old salaryman.

After breaking away from his short-lived experience as a school idol, and knowing that he had no future in the entertainment business, Furihata decided to focus on more realistic things. He studied hard, got a good business degree, and managed to grab an average office job, even with the terrible economy.

On the other hand, the real weight-puller of their duo, Kuroko, had made it as a relatively successful pop song composer. With his normally deadpan expressions, most people immediately discounted him, thinking that he couldn’t possibly produce any songs with emotion. But after actually hearing Kuroko’s songs, many would get blown away, and now Kuroko had actually managed to carve out a name for himself. Furihata could swear, if Kuroko hadn’t been the one to compose songs for their duo in high school, nobody would have turned up to watch them.

Furihata giggled as he reminisced on his way back home. He sighed as his weariness from a hard day’s work finally caught up with him. It was late in the evening, he was hungry, and all he wanted to do was go back home and relax.

Exiting the lift to his floor, Furihata fiddled around for his apartment keys, stuck them in the lock, and turned them, only to fail to hear the familiar click of his door unlocking. His door was already unlocked.

It was impossible that Furihata had forgotten to lock his door this morning as he always double checked, and could recall himself doing so that very day. Was it a burglar? Was the burglar still in there? Furihata didn’t have much in the house, so could this person possibly be waiting to ambush Furihata?

Wanting to save his few but precious possessions, Furihata raised up his briefcase and slowly opened the door. It was dark, but Furihata could see some light streaming out from under his closed bedroom door. Creeping slowly, he tiptoed to the shut door before finally kicking it open with a loud bang.

“Hello Kouki.” Furihata stared bug-eyed at the redhead sitting on his bed. By the stranger’s side, there lay some red rope, leather straps, a whip, and some candles.

Was this a kidnapper? Surely they knew Furihata lived alone, and had no family left? Or was this some psycho murderer? And the whip and red candles. Did this man plan on taking Furihata as a human sacrifice for some Satanic ritual?

Stepping back and waving around his bag in fear, Furihata quickly whipped out his phone to call the cops, only to find that his phone was not getting through.

“You won’t be able to call anybody. I’ve jammed your cellphone signal.” The redhead finally spoke.

Furihata’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest when he realized that the man had made his way over to the front door, and locked it.

“W-what do you want?” Furihata stammered, fearing for his life.

“I am Emperor Akashi Seijuurou, of the Rakuzan Empire.” The man was now looking Furihata straight in the eye.

“After first seeing your ‘S Boys’ final performance video, and doing intensive research about you, I have fallen in love with you, and have come to ask you to be my Empress.” Akashi was now bowing deeply before Furihata, who was almost too stunned to speak.

“I-I have never even heard of the Rakuzan Empire before.” Furihata choked out.

“That’s because it’s not an Earth civilization.”

“So, what? You’re saying you’re an alien?”

“Yes, I do believe that that is the term humans would use for us.”

“You’re crazy.” With that, Furihata headed for his bedroom window. It was only the second floor. He may have some broken bones after this, but he’d rather chance that than stay here with this psycho.

Two metres away from the window, Furihata prepared his legs to make the leap, only to find himself crashing into an invisible wall.

“I had already expected you to have this sort of reaction, which is why I had already deployed a particle barrier after you had entered the premises.” Akashi calmly walked up to Furihata, bending down to make sure that the brunette was okay.

“H-how? W-what?” Furihata was confused. He had never even heard of a particle barrier, and had not a clue as to how this stranger had managed to construct an invisible wall in his house. The wall was solid, yet fuzzy, and completely unlike anything he’d ever felt before. Upon further inspection, Furihata found that these so-called particle barriers had in fact been erected all over his house.

“Impossible.” Furihata was stunned. It did seem like there was some weird alien technology at work here. “You’re really an alien?”

“Yes, Kouki. I really am.”

“B-but why do you look so much like a human? Are you some kind of shapeshifting alien?” Furihata managed to splutter out, still trying to make sense of his new revelations.

“Kouki, my kind are only called aliens here, as we do not originate from Earth. After numerous rounds of evolution and natural selection, we Rakuzians aren’t actually too biologically different from humans.”

“Uh huh.” Furihata nodded dumbly, still taking in all this information.

“Anyway, although this is not really to my preference, I have brought you this gift to initiate my courtship. You may do what you want with me.” Akashi suddenly pulled out the rope, leather straps, whip, and candles, presenting them to Furihata.

“I. I don’t understand.” Furihata, sighed in defeat. His brain had totally given up on trying to reason out this ridiculous situation.

“I spent some time thinking about what hobbies you might be into, and thought that this might give you some sense of nostalgia, especially since you were so upset when ‘The S Boys’ broke up.” Akashi stretched his hands out further, urging the silent man to take the objects from his grasp.

Furihata just gawked, looking repeatedly in-between Akashi and what he now realized were S&M tools. Did this alien actually think that the ‘S’ in ‘S Boys’ stood for ‘Sadism’? This alien was really something alright. Furihata couldn’t take it anymore, and burst out laughing.

\---

It had been six months since Akashi had moved in with Furihata, and Furihata had gradually warmed up to the strange alien.

Since Akashi had come from a nomadic alien race, it was fine for Akashi to stay on Earth, as long as he could remain contactable through their alien communication devices.

After only a few months of integrating into human life, Akashi had already become an independent individual, wealthy even, and paying for his half of the rent. A few months into their new living arrangements, Akashi had borrowed a very small sum of cash from Furihata, and like the straw millionaire, had ended up making a lot of money through trading and investments. He had now fully paid Furihata back for everything, and was quickly amassing his fortune in Earth currency.

Although Akashi came across as someone who was cold and aloof, commanding immediate respect wherever he went, Furihata was slowly discovering parts of him that were anything but.

When the two of them were alone, Furihata found Akashi to be an exceptionally sweet man, or rather, alien. Akashi always went out of his way to be considerate towards Furihata, and to protect him. Whenever any problems arose, Furihata found that he could always depend on the alien to stand by his side and help him out.

The alien also had the cutest sides to him. After a few months of trying new Earth cuisine, Furihata had quickly learned what foods Akashi enjoyed eating. Furihata would always feel elated upon seeing the small smile light up Akashi’s face when Furihata made him his favourite dishes.

In the last month or so, the alien had also started sharing with Furihata a special alien delicacy. What Furihata found most adorable was the small smirk that would grace Akashi’s face upon feeding Furihata one of those special chocolate truffle-like treats every day. He supposed Akashi felt the same way Furihata felt when feeding Akashi some delicious human food. Furihata just found it to be the sweetest thing.

\---

At about the seven-month mark, Akashi proposed to Furihata once again, and this time Furihata caved and said yes.

Of course, the couple had to hide the fact that Akashi was an alien to everyone, but that didn’t stop them from having a grand wedding celebration. They invited everyone; Friends and family. And with a small portion of his newly amassed wealth, Akashi had even bought them both a new mansion to live in. It was to celebrate their union he said.

Stumbling into their bedroom, still high from the night’s festivities, Akashi began kissing Furihata with much fervor, the latter returning the kiss in kind.

With lips locked and hands wandering, Akashi slowly led Furihata onto their new King-sized bed, undressing his bride along the way.

Now completely unclothed, Furihata flopped down onto the bed, cheeks flushed like a sun-ripened tomato. Panting heavily from their passionate kiss, Furihata tugged on his husband’s tie, wanting to see his lover in all his naked glory as well.

Furihata licked his lips, turned on by his husband’s intense gaze, combined with Akashi’s little striptease display. He drank in the perfect sculpt of his husband’s abs, and followed the trail of muscles down to the red tousle of hair peeking out of the top of Akashi’s dress pants.

Impatiently reaching up to fiddle with Akashi’s pants button, Furihata finally managed to wrestle off his husband’s pants. Gulping at the large bulge straining against the redhead’s boxers, Furihata finally freed the engorged member from its confined restrains. What Furihata saw in front of him had his emotions pinned down somewhere in between excitement and fear.

“How can it be so… It’s not physically possible. It’ll never fit.” Although humans and Rakuzians did have a few biological differences, he had never even fathomed such a huge difference in penis size. He had to admit, Akashi’s clothes had hidden this little, or rather, large, detail very well.

“Well, I am a bit large for my size.” Furihata could sense the hint of pride in Akashi’s voice.

“That’s great Sei, but it’s still never going to fit.” Furihata was still staring in amazement at Akashi’s well-endowed nether regions.

“Oh, you don’t have to worry Kouki.” Akashi purred. “Do you remember those chocolate truffles I’ve been feeding you?”

Furihata nodded hesitantly.

“Well, it’s actually a Rakuzian drug that splices in the necessary genes for foreign life forms to accommodate us in this aspect.” Akashi gestured down below.

Furihata gulped as his husband leaned forward in his ear. “Which means you will open right up for me, and you will enjoy every moment of it.” Akashi whispered huskily, fingers pressing into Furihata’s hole, from which a clear slick liquid had begun to flow.

\---

The laughter of children could be heard echoing from the large house as Kuroko approached with his alien boyfriend, Kagami, in tow.

Kuroko and Furihata had been keeping in touch with each other even after leaving high school. When Kuroko had heard the news that his friend was getting married to a man, he had been shocked. Still, Kuroko was happy for his friend, and had gone to the ceremony to congratulate the joyful couple. It was at their wedding that Kuroko had met Kagami, who turned out to be Akashi’s good friend. The pair had soon started dating, and a few dates in, the brutally honest Kagami admitted to Kuroko that he and Akashi were both aliens. Now, this alien thing was a hard pill for Kuroko to swallow, and at first he had thought it was all a bad joke. Eventually Kuroko was able to accept it and look past the strange fact, realizing that he loved Kagami for who he was.

The couple strolled hand-in-hand, walking up to their good friends’ house, smiling as they spotted Akashi and Furihata playing with their five kids in the yard.

After greeting the couple, the Akashi family adjourned to their living room, settling everybody down for some afternoon tea. Four of the Akashi family’s five kids played amongst themselves, while the youngest lay fast asleep in Furihata’s lap. The adults stayed on the couches, sipping their tea, busy catching up with one another.

When it was time for Kuroko and Kagami to leave, Kuroko quietly asked, “Furihata-kun, are you happy? Even with an alien for a husband?”

Looking over to his husband and children, Furihata answered with a smile, “Yes, Kuroko. I am very happy.” His friend smiled back in return.

“So…” Furihata continued. “Are you and Kagami going to be tying the knot anytime soon?” He wiggled his eyebrows at his friend.

“Maybe.” Kuroko grinned, looking up at Furihata’s face. “Though I’m not sure we’ll be able to pop out as many children as you guys. Seriously, we’ve barely reached age thirty, and you have like, what, five kids? I mean, I know alien technology is amazing for allowing you to be able to have children and all that, but that it a lot of children, Furihata-kun.”

Furihata just smiled calmly, eyeing a familiar chocolate box sticking out of Kuroko’s coat pocket. He playfully jabbed his finger into his friend’s chest.

“If that’s how you really feel, then I’d lay off those chocolates if I were you, Kuroko.” Furihata smirked as he retreated back into his house, leaving his friend dumbfounded on the doorstep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone's interested, here are some fun facts that I didn't explicitly mention in the story:
> 
> \- Akashi obviously intercepted Kuroko's email of the video to Furihata while he was on duty, where he watched and fell in love with Furihata. And then he proceeded to watch the same video many times over, before deciding to do intensive research on Furihata and Earthling culture.
> 
> \- The reason why Akashi took a whole ten years to look for Furihata on Earth was because he was far away. Very far away. As in he had to travel for ten Earth years to get to him far away. And yes, his loyal subject, Kagami, did follow him on that journey.
> 
> \- The ‘S’ in the ‘S Boys’ stands for ‘Seirin’, not ‘Sadism’.
> 
> \- In men, the special chocolate truffle splices in genes that relaxes your anal sphincter when sexually aroused, and causes you to produce a natural lubricant as well. Psst. It also allows you to form a rudimentary womb, which is how Furihata popped out all those kids.
> 
> Anyway, hope you guys had fun~


End file.
